Over the years, there have been countless books written on
relationship development and improvement. Many of those authors
have touched on the subject of injecting soul into a
relationship, but that’s a tricky thing indeed.
After all, what is the soul? How does it differ from the mind,
or indeed the heart? Some might say the soul is that indefinable
something that makes you who you are.
Having a soulful relationship, therefore, would mean having a
relationship where you, and your partner, are free to be
yourself, without fear of recrimination, or judgment, and to
have your partner do the same. It would also mean feeding your
soul, by doing the things you love, either as a couple, or on
your own.
Easier said than done in this modern world, where divorce is no
longer a scandal and multiple marriages are the order of the
day. So just how can you inject a little soul into your
relationship, feed your soul, stay happy, and committed? We
don’t claim to have all the answers, but here are a few ideas
from the experts.
10. Love Unconditionally
This
is the basis on which any soulful relationship is built.
Unfortunately, it’s also the most difficult to achieve.
While in theory, maintaining love for your partner regardless of
what happens in your life, what they do, say or omit, should be
possible, after all, we have that kind of love for our children,
don’t we? However, the reality is that a marriage or
relationship is a partnership, and when something happens that
unbalances this partnership, whether it’s a job loss by one
partner, and affair, or an accident that leaves them disabled,
all too often, we simply cannot continue to love as we had
before.
What we can do, however, is attempt to love unconditionally.
Everyone has their deal breakers, and no one is saying you
should forgive everything. There are some things that are just
unforgiveable, and will stay that way, but if you examine every
event, occurrence, statement or issue with a more careful eye,
you may find that they are not worth the amount of fighting,
arguing or effort you put into them.
If it’s not something you know will still be bothering you a
year, or five, or ten years down the line, or if it’s something
that was no one’s fault, like a job loss, or accident, consider
letting it go. You’ll feel much, much better than you would had
you fought about it.
9. Know Yourself
How
can we ever expect to truly connect with another human being, if
we have never truly connected with ourselves?
If you really want to connect with your partner, and enjoy a
soulful and happy relationship, you first need to make sure you
know yourself. What do you believe? What is most important to
you – money, family, career, or something else? What is your
greatest goal in life? What makes you angry, sad or happy? Until
you can answer the important what’s and what if’s about
yourself, you will always find it difficult to truly connect.
Figure out who you are, how and why you react as you do to the
situations that occur in your life, and what you really want,
and it will be easier to let your partner know, and figure out
what they want. Otherwise, instead of togetherness, you might
end up with two lives lived in parallel, never truly meeting – a
recipe for disaster.
8. Give, and Take, a Little Space
There’s
an old saying – absence makes the heart grow fonder. That saying
is as true today as when it was first coined.
Too much togetherness can kill a relationship as quickly as too
little, so make sure you cultivate your own interests, friends,
and social life, and take time, just for you, every once in a
while to enjoy them, while allowing your partner the same.
By doing the things you love, you feed your soul, and in doing
so, and allowing your partner to do the same, you will bring
more soul into your partnership. Whatever you do though, whether
it’s listen to music, play a sport, go shopping with the girls
or anything else, make sure it’s something that your partner
would approve of.
7. Care
Ever
heard the saying it’s the little things that count? That’s where
caring comes in. If your partner is sick, take them tea or soup
in bed. When they’re worried or tense, give them a massage.
All too often, we think love needs to be a big, showy expensive
performance, when the truth is, a little caring, combined with
the knowledge that you’re thinking about them, are concerned
about their happiness and well being, and want to do everything
you can to help, makes all the difference.
It could be something as simple as picking up the dry cleaning
if you know they have to work late, but showing you care is
guaranteed to bring the soul back into your relationship. Make a
point to be considerate and caring, and see how it works for
you!
6. Respect
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Aretha Franklin sang about it, we all pay it lip service, but
how many of us really make sure we pay the important people in
our lives respect?
Honesty and respect go hand in hand, so lying automatically
cancels out respect, no matter how polite and considerate you
may be, so remember that when you’re making an effort to respect
your partner. Make a point of treating them exactly as you would
like them to treat you, and you should find that you have a
trouble free, soulful relationship.
When in doubt, remember what the bible has to say: “Do unto
others as you would have them do unto you.” While you’re at it,
why not apply that principle to everyone you meet? Treating
people with respect is the very best way to earn respect, and
you’ll be a lot happier all round if you have less conflict in
your life.
5. Forgive
The
fact is, when someone does something bad, hurtful or
inconsiderate to you, you have two choices. You could choose to
bear a grudge, allowing the sin they committed to fester in your
heart and mind, poisoning you against them, and the rest of the
world, for the rest of your life.
Or, you could choose to forgive them for their human foible, and
move on with your life. Clearly the former is the far more
destructive option, since, instead of putting their crime behind
you, you begin to focus all your attention on it, to the
exclusion of everything else. The result? They may blithely move
on with their lives, while you live in abject misery.
Of course, in a relationship, when the misdeed is serious, like
adultery, it’s impossible to simply walk away, and let them get
away with it. If you don’t receive a sincere apology, and you
feel the deed warrants it, you could always approach the courts
for justice. But don’t let the deed, word or other crime of
another ruin, or rule your life. If you do, you remain the loser
forever.
If you have hurt your partner, by accident or knowingly, the
only thing to do, is to sincerely ask for their forgiveness, and
own up to your misdeed. Remember – small lies lead to bigger
ones, until it will seem that your life is one big lie, and you
are lost. Better to bear the brunt of their anger than the
guilt.
4. Encourage
If
you think about it, why do humans form relationships? To have a
companion, someone to share their hopes, dreams, problems and
joys with. A partner. The word says it all.
What better way for you and your partner to enjoy a more soulful
relationship than by encouraging each other to achieve your
goals and dreams. However, that encouragement should not mean
that you fix everything for your loved one. As much as anything
else, they should have the pride that comes from standing on
their own two feet, and if you fix everything for them that
would never happen.
Rather than being a substitute parent, focus on being a
cheerleader, boosting their confidence, and convincing them that
anything they put their minds to is possible, and remember,
there’s nothing ,more demoralizing than being told by someone
you love that your most dearly held hopes and dreams are out of
your reach.
If your beloved does have some dreams that are, to your mind, a
little ambitious, encourage them, and help them see that even
the biggest hopes and dreams are achieved one small step at a
time.
3. Communicate
Usually the number one rule in relationships, it’s pretty high
on our list too. For a relationship to be soulful, you need to
communicate with your partner.
And we’re not talking non committal grunts, or monosyllabic
replies over the breakfast table here. You need to share your
hopes, dreams and fears. If something in your relationship is
making you unhappy or mad, get it out in the open. Never miss an
opportunity to share your feelings, but remember to do so with
respect, and taking into account that people are entitled to a
difference of opinion.
If you’re not comfortable communicating on your own, face to
face, or need some help getting started, consider seeing a
couples counselor, or write each other notes. As long as your
thoughts are heard, you’re making progress.
2. Enjoy
Too
often we’re caught up in daily life’s minutiae, and we forget
that we’re supposed to enjoy being together. The easiest way to
do that is to share things you both love. Cook a great meal, or
go to a restaurant you both love. Take a short trip together,
even if it’s only to a neighboring town. Walk on the beach, go
dancing, or watch a movie together, curled up on the couch.
Whatever you have in common is what brought you together in the
first place, so make sure you make time for it, no matter what
your schedule looks like. Or you could find something new that
you love to do together. There are probably many things on both
your lists of things to do in this life. Why not compare lists,
and pick a few to try right now? Eventually, whether it’s bungee
jumping together, or enjoying a specific cuisine, you’ll find
something that brings both of you joy, that you can share with
each other.
Joy is a rare thing in our hard, fast paced modern world, and
when we can get it, we should grab it with both hands. What
better way to find it, and keep it in our lives, than to
rediscover all the things we love to do together, and them
actually doing them?
1. Learn
Remember
the first few weeks or months of your relationship? The delight
you took in learning about your partner, their hopes, dreams,
fears and passions? The wonder of uncovering the secrets of
their personality, along with a hefty dose of biochemical’s,
were what gave you that tingly feeling, that wondrous giddiness
that comes with new love.
So, it’s been ten, or twenty years. Do you really think there’s
nothing new to learn about your partner? Do you really think
they haven’t changed, even a little, in those years? Make the
effort to learn about your partner all the time – you might be
surprised what you find.
Then again, you could make learning something new something that
brings you closer together. Maybe you’ve always wanted to do
something. Make it a couple project. Sign up for classes, and
then go. Together. If nothing else, it will give you something
to talk to each other about, and usually, once you start
talking, it’s easy to carry on.
